Darn Cucumber Autocorrect!
by dalekchung
Summary: Lynx and Panther are quite the pair when it comes to pranking. Perhaps Lion shouldn't have trusted them with his phone. (One-shot relating to AWOL, but not necessarily dependent on)


**Disclaimer: I do not own Alex Rider. I also do not own the Gettysburg address… feel free to skip over it unless you want to read Lincoln's speech multiple times...**

Darn Cucumber Autocorrect!

" _Psst!"_

Lynx instinctively tensed as he heard the soft hiss, but a moment later, he spotted Panther. The soldier was crouching by two, large leafy bushes, which effectively covered the man. Lynx raised an eyebrow before shaking his head at Panther's strange behavior. He crept over, yelping as Panther grabbed his arm and pulled him behind the bushes.

"What was that for?" Lynx demanded, rubbing his cheek. The branches had whacked his face as he had been pulled in.

Panther hushed him, a grin spreading across his face. This wasn't a rare occurrence, but Lynx could tell this smile was different than his usual happy-go-lucky grin. He was excited for some reason, amusement playing at the corners of his lips and mirth bubbling up in his voice.

He held out something in a calloused hand.

Lynx couldn't tell what it was at first, but as he leaned forward to inspect it, he realized what it was and recoiled in surprise. It was a sleek, black phone, one that Lynx recognized. It was custom made, as expected. Etched on the back of the phone were the words "Who Dares Wins": the SAS motto that was parroted to the SAS soldiers every day. Lynx took great pride in those words.

Underneath those words was one simple code name. Lynx couldn't believe his eyes, reaching his equally calloused hands out to inspect the phone.

"Lion's," Panther grinned, taking it back and unlocking it. "Nicked it off of him this morning when he was in the showers. The password is the day he passed Selection – not very creative."

Lynx's grin slowly spread across his face, and he was positive that he looked like a madman. That was okay because Panther looked like a madman too.

"I know exactly what to do."

* * *

From: Lion; To: Tiger

L: I am a unicorn. What's up?

L: Mosey. I meant that I am a unicorn.

L: wats happening?

T: Are you okay?

L: I'm dog eating man buns

L: YES

L: Tire-strong-man

T: ?

L: YES

L: I don't am a pickle man what's right!

T: I'm coming to check up on you.

L: I LOVE YOU

L: YES

L: But I'm a ding dong poo Great Dark Southern Mass of a Black Hole

L: GREEN TOES!

L: YES

L: Acid…

* * *

From: Lion; To: Mum

L: Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us-that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion-that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth Mum.

L: I'm back from the Great Dark Southern Mass of a Black Hole

L: I meant Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us-that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion-that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth and the Great Dark Southern Mass of a Black Hole

M: Okay honey! I'm happy you finally took interest in American history!

L: YES

L: GREEN TOES!

L: Mum, I am not a llama but an alpaca who will devour the world while enslaving dragons and house-elveswhat's happening

M: I'll be home from work in twenty minutes. Please prepare an explanation

L: Darn cucumber autocorrect. I meant to say "Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us-that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion-that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth" not "Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us-that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion-that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth"

L: Acid!

* * *

From: Lion; To: Panther, Lynx

LN: I am a pickle man you pink frogs did something to my small willy

P: I'm not a pink frog!

LX: You have a small willy?

LN: YES!

LX: I never noticed…

P: I HAVE!

LN: YES! I meant "small willy" a ding dong poo "small willy"

LX: ?

P: ?

LN: Dammit I am a pickle man it was you pink frogs!

LN: YES

LN: ACID

LN: I HATE YOU

LN: PINK FROGS

LN: FK YU

P: Lol…

LN: "Chile fries on a hotdog gumbo mix"? Next time I see you, I'll show you "Chile fries on a hotdog gumbo mix"!

LN: YES

LN: FCK FK FCK FUUUK FUK ACID

LN: FIX MY SMALL WILLY

LN: DARN CUCUMBER AUTOCORRECT

* * *

 **A/N: Hi guys! So this was supposed to be a funny little thing. I'm also supposed to be sleeping but like whatever right.**

 **Hope you liked! If you did, drop a review down below, and I'll try and respond to everyone (for once)!**

 **-Alice**


End file.
